remembering in battle


the quick of it: arrived in Thailand! last night (yesterday morning for ya’ll 🙂 ) safe and sound. thank you Jesus for answered prayers for covering, protection, safe travels, and all my luggage. rest as well. i have slept very well and am adjusting!

a little deeper…

it has been spiritually very heavy. hard.
truly america is the land of the free.
on the plane in Amsterdam was when it began to creep in. anxious thoughts. worry for whats to come. feeling distant from my new friends. sadness. all coming against me. none of these are true about me. all lies. but crap, feelings feel so real.
confusing and conflicting theological tactics… hard conversations with buddhists on the plane… all over the place overwhelmed.

i felt so insignificance. “what am i doing. how will i last.” so weak. small. like David standing before Goliath. did he freakin feel intimidated? i mean crap, my faith was wavering on the plane alone… then in my bed in Chiang Mai last night, after 3 days of travel, again, consumed with anxious thoughts of worry and despair. doubting from the point of sinking in the waves.

prayer brought me back. quieted my quickened heart. my over-processing interpreting assuming mind. i remembered. who he was. who i am. who is in who. what i am doing. not convincing people to believe. not defending. only shining. Love-Light. dancing with my Partner. trusting the hands of my Father. listening and talking to my Friend. He brings me back.

i will hold on to truth. i will stand on Promises. i will shine Light-Love.

i am tempted to dream smaller. i am tempted to pray for smaller victories. until this writing got interrupted by one of my teammates asking for prayer to heal her knee, and total healing came.

why do i doubt. i will hold on to biblical truths, and continue to hold on to hope. the anchor of my soul.

please pray with me, along with the daily prayer:

Jesus. thank you that i am so uncomfortable, but that your promise is that you are my comfort. help me to remember that i am accepted in and by you, and that i no longer have to strive and prove and compete and compare with those around me. i am not too late. too far behind. or lacking anything. i am exactly where you have me. i am enough. please bring healing to my hurting heart of all that was from the beginning of the year, even though my mind is past it. please continue to cloak me in protection. please protect my faith. give me mana for each day. help me remember Presence. in the right now. please unite the team in your love, once again, and continually. please allow me to offer and not need, for i am met in my depths by you. lead me into the truth of your ways, for everything that you ahem for me. please settle my heart and mind evermore, and open the eyes of my heart, ephesians 1:17-18, to experience more of your heart. prepare my way. direct my steps. amen.

in other news:

-i went five days without showering.

-the food is amazing

-the place we are staying is unreal. thankful.(pictures to come)

-Jesus is good and faithful. unwavering and unchanging.

email me with any questions or specifics or even if you want to know more!

to becoming Love.




One thought on “remembering in battle

  1. God in “unexpected places” like plane rides, airports and while in front of computers. It cracks me up how we fall to the “idea” it will happen in some grandioso moment in a cathedral or on top of a mountain that we can then burst into singing… “The hills are alive, with the sound of music…” Love that you are seeing the Larger Story and God in the airport terminals, the bus rides and the simple, simple things. Loved your line about being present. I wanted to shout out, “THATS IT ASH!” Yes, simply being awake, seeing, hearing, pondering… living curiously as one author put it in the book Search and Rescue. Amazing and yes, the trip began several weeks ago, you are just stepping into another page of this novel called Thailand Mission Trip. Much more to come I’m sure. Praying and loving you from the distance… DAD.

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