Being back in one of my favorite places in the world, I couldn’t wait to stand on the beach, my feet in the sand, the sun dipping below the clouds, and have total peace, contentment, settledness, wonder joy and awe, rush over me and bring to tears and thanksgiving like it had in the past. But it didn’t.
“What is wrong with you? You are incapable of emotions and being present.”
I still have some sadness while trying to be present at amazing places and not feeling total wonder, beautiful, emotional resonance and reactions; trying to be present but feeling the veil, and just seeing how much weight I put on emotions to define something and make it true… that emotions, senses, feelings are reality. Which I don’t think is all wrong or bad, but I definitely do that with my relationships as well as my walk with God.
“I don’t feel you anymore, something is wrong. I need to fix it”
When in reality we get tastes of the sacred Romance here and now, we can’t control it, but I wish I had the emotions and the feelings that make something/define a moment to be true or weighty, etc. because then it feels true.
I’m trying to be ok in the mystery, instead of when I have an experience with Jesus and then I’m changed and feel something, as time goes on and I feel differently, I panic and go to a place where I say “what happened!? I have to be back in that place! How can I control and manipulate my reality to get back there!?”
When again, it was another taste of the romance, like visiting a new place for the first time and then leaving. You’d be crazy to try to go back and re-create everything to feel the same thing, instead of having the memory, remembering that you encountered beauty and were changed by it, desiring more but content in the not yet, being haunted by the romance, and saying “God was there. That was good. That will never leave me, whether I feel it or not. The romance will be back in another way and another time, and I can’t wait, because I was made for that, and God is restoring it in me.”
It’s not always something wrong with me that I can’t fully experience the moment. It’s the veil, the not yet, the broken fallen unredeemed, that will soon give way to the fullness of union.