lately Jesus has been stirring up more questions and grey and mystery than any one thing i am learning. i think in part because i always read 12 books at a time and dont give myself the space to dive deep into one area of new. but He is bringing me back to a place i have been before; ambiguity and the question of “what is the balance?”
what is the balance between rest, enjoyment, soul care, and battle, hard work, giving my life away? what is the balance between getting away and healthy time vs. isolation?
for one thing, this reveals my curious tendency to figure out, perfect, get it right. Jesus, show me the balance of grace and growth.
right now the balance that i am struggling to understand the most is between being made for MORE and the desire of that more in every area and being content in all circumstances, at peace with what i have, present.
i have been created ravenous: always desiring the next thing. always wanting more. hoping the next adventure, season, thing, situation, person will be the thing that leads to my contentment. nothing is enough. never satisfied. “yeah that was great, but these are the ways it could be better, i would improve on this this and this.” always wanting myself to grow.
in many ways, i love this about myself and think it is a gift. we were made for more. our hearts were created for endless and abounding beauty, life, relationship, depth, perfection, glory… i dont want to settle for anything less. i always want to be growing into that space of more.
but i have impossibly high standards.
so judgment and discontentment are forever at my doorstep, just waiting for me to choose cynicism instead of hope. discouragement instead of encouragement. words and thoughts of despair instead of speaking life and keeping my hoping heart alive.
Jesus, show me the narrow way.
right now i cant think of anything more glorious or more toxic to my relationships.
on one hand my discernment is through the roof and i have eyes to see the not yet, the potential, the broken, the glory, the dreams, the wounds within a human. if i choose grace, and to see the good, and bless the right now, words and streams of life flow from heaven through me to them. but unless i stand in that unlearned foreign grace and patience and love and blessing the journey, i want to fix and change and control or isolate, go on to the next, do me.
Jesus, redeem my way. show me how to love well.
how do i keep hope alive and always dream big and never want to settle, always be excited for what is coming, always desire growth and maturity and the more that i was made for… while also blessing and appreciating where i am right now? how do i want more while simultaneously being completely settled in the present, blessing and giving grace to the unfinished and the not yet and the journey?
Jesus, be the balance, teach me how to walk well. show me the balance.
i am made for more, yet i am made for right here and right now.
this ravenous mess doesnt know.
to becoming Love,
– anders and i are MARRIED and living in atlanta, ga. it has been great and so hard not being close to my family, my people. hard opening myself to new people and places. i love him, i love being married to him, and it is showing me a lot a lot.
– i am still working part-time with Zoweh and now entering into the real estate arena. i dont know why other than i know that is what Jesus said is the next right thing. i am completely overwhelmed and if i suddenly get hundreds of bottles of wine in the mail i would never ever hate that.
– Jesus and i are meeting with a group of girls every thursday morning to talk about Him. this has been amazing even in the few weeks we have met because i have to re-teach my own heart and remind myself that i have never outgrown the “basics” (i hated that sentence but dont know what else to say about that).
– i want a dog.
thats all for now.