“When we are whom we are called to be, we will set the world ablaze.” -St. Catherine of Sienna
so many times i feel that i have nothing unique to offer. nothing new. nothing that i am learning worth writing about. no song in my heart to sing. very few dance moves. no courage or bravery to be like Jesus. more confusion than clarity.
these lies come from my accuser and pull at a place where i want you to see me growing and brilliant and shimmering. a wonderful desire warped a little too fleshy. it comes from a place of not trusting Jesus when He says He is crazy about me. a place of not remembering.
but mostly it comes from a place of me going so far down a road that i think is good for me, only to realize that i have made a formula and religion out of my own thoughts and ideas about how i need to arrange this God-life of mine to be lived out. i feel if i can only conquer or do or get to this place, then i will feel God more or hear from Him more… and so on down that stupid road.
it comes from a place of striving.
i am seeing more and more how my enemy attacks the places that would be the most powerful and lovely, and cripples the beauty that is uniquely mine to give to the wold and to others.
and he wore me out yet again by pulling at strife and control.
why is it the easiest thing in the world to listen to a chorus of voices telling me the way to live, the formula, the to-do list in order to live this life right with Jesus, instead of falling in love with The Way Himself and learning His Love Voice?
i continue to heap “things” on myself in the name of doing more for Jesus, and i so easily forget that IT IS FINISHED.
i continue to compare my life with others’, my relationship with Jesus to others’, and then i wear myself out trying to catch up, or worse, strive to figure out why i feel like i am behind and feeling insignificant.
weary soul of mine, please remember faster and faster that it is finished.
i forget that i am called to just enjoy Him. to abide and be still. to let Him sing over me. to trust that it is finished enough that i do not have to clean myself up anymore or do it right.
yes, i am called to move mountains and make disciples and serve… but if i miss His heart for me and mine for Him, none of that fruit will be natural. none of it will be desirable. none of that will be good for anyone’s heart. including mine.
mountains will move when i am living out of my true self and true calling: a daughter of the Most Incredible Magnificent Being, a daughter who is called to be delighted in and then delight in her Dad and others.
but this calling is unique to me. i cannot fit it into someone else’s calling. but oh do i try. i think i need to heal others in the same way my friends do, or have the same personality as my fun friends, or try to have a voice as loud as my other friends, or believe the same things that my friends believe…
this calling is unique to me and my journey is different and Jesus has different timings for me. my beauty/calling/true self will make rooms hush and in awe and Jesus will shine and mountains will move and my face will no longer be under a veil of pretending or hiding or doubting or anything else. and this is only easy and natural and good and not exhausting when He leads me to it. i am learning that i dont have to arrange for it to happen or go looking for it. He will do the uncovering. as i naturally abide and enjoy Him and continue my journey trusting and following, He will lead me to pastures and waters and adventures and mountains that need uniquely Him in me to bring my true self to speak to them: move.
i am along the journey of figuring out what is uniquely me, but i am working on not working on it. i am letting go and surrendering trying to figure out the next things. letting go of the control. He has an irreplaceable role for me. He has beautiful life giving work that only i can step into as He leads. as i become my true self, these things will come up that are actually enjoyable for me to walk in because they are the beautiful jobs that He created me to do.
so i do the opposite of try: i be. i be with Him. i listen and follow and enjoy and dance and sing.
i surrender and walk with Jesus. i spend time with Him. i enjoy that walk like a walk on the beach. i love others that are already in front of me. i love whatever Jesus brings my way.
Good and More and Abundant Magic and Kingdom Life will always find me and never leave it up to me to figure it out. He will set me ablaze.
to becoming love,
i cannot recommend a book more highly: Listening to Love by Jan Meyers. “for anyone who wants more of God.”